This whole week has been Hell - I’ve been realizing small stuff that have lead to some significant meaning in my life I figuring out bits and bits of the puzzle or pieces, and as I lay down during the nights my thoughts are floating around like paper airplanes dangling on my ceiling.
I’m realizing that there is not much of me left, I’m withering with the wind, and fragments of myself are decomposing and dropping off and flowing with the air and slowly, I’m drifting apart. My loneliness has become my companion, my partner my life and my best friend.
I once believed that you said so many words that captivated me, they took me away and they were stored inside my heart, where words can be beautiful and they can have meaning, and they can also comfort you. But beneath every word they can also be deceiving just as their lies and their master and their actions.
You filled my head with great thoughts, all just so you can have me tied around your finger, you hit most where words can be stored and they can never ever be let go, you found the way to my heart and you found the way to shatter me.
I’m in this illusion where I can’t get out, after I found out it was all a lie, my legs were cold as ice, the blood quickly flee’d away and I needed to grasp myself and stretch out my hand so I can support myself from the wall before I collapsed to the floor.
I’ve been late on my emotions, all I could feel was sadness, but I could never cry until yesterday, I felt my eyes getting wet and knew it was time, it was time to cry, I did and it was a good thing I was home alone, I cried as loud as I could digging my hands through my hair pulling on my scalp doing what I could to let all my anger and my frustration out.
Rocking myself back and forth in torment that would not go away. I had nothing to do, I was alone for the Holidays it was the first time I have ever been alone I decided I’ve been alone for 6 months and I skipped my two favorite Days of the year, Halloween and Christmas.
My parents went out to my relatives and I had the weekend to myself to drown myself in tears and misery, which wasn’t really planned on, but nonetheless I wanted to be alone being with family or being with friends, I didn’t had the courage to look at everyone and smile, so I figure being with people or not being with people. I still felt alone, so being alone wouldn’t make a difference.
I thought about suicide, I thought about no one being there, so I became vulnerable to the thought of suicide and death, how easy it would be for me, no one to stop me and no one to look after me and no one to witness, but when my parents would come home how would they have reacted? Seeing my body and seeing their only son hanging or dropped dead on the floor next to a bottle of pills?
I felt disappointed and the anguish in my guts and the dry lump in my throat for the first time I went to the restroom and crouched in the toilet seat curving my body my stomach was in knots and I needed to throw up all the pain I had, I took my finger and placed it in my mouth and felt the tension of my throat tighten up, I could no longer feel my mind, closing in on me. I had a gag feel and took my finger out of my mouth.
I couldn’t throw up, the thought of doing that doesn’t Intrigue me. I have never really thought about ever throwing up that way but I did at the time, I wanted to, I needed to throw up.
I reflected all on Joseph, I wish I never met him, it’s his fault I’m like this, I can no longer remember a time how I felt before him, even though I felt pretty much the same but this time now, it’s worse, much worse, very much worse. I don’t even know where to begin I can’t forget for the love of God I can’t forget and move on.
How could people do this to me? I have never hurt anyone in my life, but yet, My Uncle, Joseph, my Family, it’s like there all out to get me, they all want me to die. I can’t deal with the pain anymore. I can’t deal with this anymore. I often wonder if it’s time I tell my family that I need to talk to a therapist or see a psychiatrist. But what good will that do to me? The problem isn’t with me, it’s with Joseph.
I feel like I’m on death’s watch. I feel closer and closer to the end of my personal existence. I need someone to help me, I need to forget and I need it fast because time is ticking and I can no longer feel my self, I’m become overwhelm with the pain and life.
There’s no point in me dying right now because if I die then Joseph and my Uncle will always have their hands clean and I bet where ever they are they are having the time of their lives while I’m hearing pouring my heart and tears out to them and they just don’t care. They are laughing and not worrying about the pain they both brought on me. If I die, than I wouldn’t get justice, but God I hope that Joseph get’s what he deserves in the future or when the time is right, I hope something bad happens to him. For the first time I wish bad luck on someone. On both of them.
So right now I’m stuck between life and death and I can’t find a solution to both. I’m stuck and I can’t find a way out. Not even seeking help. I need help from a GOD who I pray to but I can’t hear him or feel him. I need answers and time is running out. Fast.
